(We love these cookies so much that each flavor has started to form its own identity.)
There’s nothing more American than Girl Scout Cookies. Ok, maybe apple pie and Ford trucks but you are stepping on my point. We love these superbly caloric corporate whore cookies so much that each flavor has started to form its own distinct identity. I sent the data to the lab up on 7 and here’s are the results. Here’s what your favorite cookie says about your sex life:
- Thin Mints – If you’re a guy, you’re a girl. If you’re a girl it means you like kittens and romance novels with Vikings on the cover. Thin Mints, what are you on a diet? Eat a burger. Your arms are starting to look like Madonna. Which is cool if you like snakes? I don’t, but only because I heard they’re super racist.
- Tagalongs (Peanut Butter Patties) – Peanut butter and chocolate. Ah the perfect marriage. Seeing as it’s a marriage though your sex is probably as robotic and uneventful as an episode of “Entourage”. Who am I kidding I’ve never watched that show. I hate Jersey.
- Samoas – You are devastatingly handsome, worldly, and have the exquisite and refined taste of 007. Carmel and coconut? Say whaaaaatt? Stop this crazy culture train cause I’m getting off at the next stop at a place called Flavor Town. Mmm, I’d eat the whole box but I’d feel guilty. Ok just one more, but only when “Ghost Whisperer” goes to commercial.
- Trefoils (Short Bread) – You only like missionary position and probably have sex with your socks on. No one likes that except your Amish wife who probably can’t read this because you can’t pay for the Internet with butter.
- Dulce De Leche – Oh so you likey the spicy Latin passion do you? Hate to break it to you but this cookie has probably slept with at least 5 other women today. One of them was probably named “Dulce” and she is definitely having a better hair day than you.
- Thank You Berry Munch – Look at that name. So witty, if you don’t mind a guy that’s a comedian during sex. You’ll be lucky if he lasts the entirety of his 15 minutes of fame. Impotence, how’s that for a one-liner. This is definitely one box I won’t be munching.
- Lemonades – OMG bitch you are suucccch a Charlotte. You probably order lemon drops at the bar. I like your apron, did your Midwestern grandma make it? I’ve been looking for a good recipe for corn.
- Do Si Dos (Peanut Butter Sandwich) – Oatmeal and peanut butter? Mmm. These are about as crunchy as your hair. Your duvet probably has a pattern of dandelions and moons, which coincidentally match your mood socks. I think your alarm just went off. Time to feed your ferret.
If you like Shout-Outs, Savannah Smiles, or Thanks-A-Lots you are a non-conformist hipster or just an all around odd-duck. Here’s some bread. Quack quack.
[Photo: Johnny Moxie Studios in Silverlake (Los Angeles)]