5 Things You Shouldn’t Wear As An Adult Male

(Like it or not guys, we are judged by what we wear. So what are the rules? As seen on the Thought Catalog)

I first realized I was too old to be shopping at an Abercrombie when I walked in those two giant doors and said to myself, “why is it so loud in here”. Over-sized rugby polos, frayed cargo shorts, and a visor might have flown in your college days but you’re an adult professional now. If you wear a suit, uniform, or business casual to work it seems ridiculous for your weekend attire to make you look you’re an extra for a Color Me Badd video. Imagine your boss running in to you at Target on a Sunday afternoon and you look like Nelly. Like it or not, he’s not going to take you as seriously when you’re giving that presentation Monday morning. Imagine cute Sally from accounting running in to you at the bar on Saturday night and you are dressed like Edward Scissorhands. You probably shredded your chances with her. Your clothes play a big part of how other humans percieve you so here are a couple things to avoid for your closet.

Jerseys make you look like a man child. I suppose you can get a pass if you are at the actual game but there’s a reason Justin Timberlake and Denzel Washington are never wearing Lakers jerseys when they’re on the sidelines. Because their publicist/stylist knows what you don’t know, you look like an immature kid that wishes he was on the team. Let’s face it, most of also don’t have the physique to pull off anything sleeveless either. I also highly don’t recommend you getting a personalized jersey. There are other ways to support your home team while looking like a grown up.

All Black Outfits
I get it. You are kind of dark, super emotional, and listen to music that is primarily sobbing and/or screaming. Unless you work at a tattoo parlor, a record shop (which no longer exist), or you’re a rock star you probably can’t pull this off. You might not think you are “trying to be different” but deep down you know you’re being judged by your bank teller and are also scaring away small children. The type of woman you’re trying to attract probably dresses just like you but this means you’re limiting your dating pool to only those at Morissey concerts.

Overly groomed hair
You met a girl at a bar and are passionately making out in the back booth. You rub your hands all of her body. She does the same to to you until wait, what’s this, why are you growing a cactus on your head. You aren’t Pauly D or a character from Dragon Ball Z so your hair should feel like hair, and not a helmet. It’s even worse if its compounded by your goatee or chinstraps so try to not look like Adrien Brody from the Gilette commercials. Your facial hair options are beard, mustache, or none. There is no secret answer D. If you raised your hand in the back of the class and asked about your soul patch I think just heard Kate Upton’s ovaries dry up.

This may just be a me thing but I think an adult male should only wear sneakers if he is going to/coming from the gym. I realize there are cool vintage looking sneakers like chucks, asics, and the like but for the most part men can’t properly pull them off withouth looking like he desperately wants to look younger. It’s like the gender opposite of a 60 year old woman in a mini skirt. Most men just end up looking like Jesse Eisenberg in the Social Network. And also, women hate guys in sandals. I know, it took me a while to eschew my California roots and give these up but let’s face it, feet are gross and yours probably look like that of a Velociraptor.

This seems to be primarily a northeast thing but guys, don’t wear jewelry. The only thing a real man should wear is a watch and a ring, that’s it. Don’t wear a chain or bracelet unless you want to look like a Jersey gigolo. You can’t pull them off even if you’re Italian. And you’re not in a rap video so please put away your over-sized clocks and spinning medallions because those things are ridiculous. Contrary to popular hip hop belief classy women don’t like men that flaunt how rich they are.

We’re all dominated by our sense of vision and that’s why people judge you by your appearance before you even speak a word. Guys, we do it all the time with women so why do you think women don’t do the same to us. You judge a woman in a tube top or a Juicy velour sweatsuit just like women will judge you for all five of the above. So if you want to look like and be treated like an adult male you should probably stop it with your daily fashion tribute to Vanilla Ice.

Look good, feel good.

[Photo: A drunk man on Rue Rivoli in Paris, France]


2 responses to “5 Things You Shouldn’t Wear As An Adult Male

  1. ‘ I first realized I was too old to be shopping at..’ If you don’t mind, how old are you?

  2. As a guy, I actually find a woman dressed in a juicy hoodie or tracksuit very attractive. When a woman wears velvet or velour it’s incredibly alluring.

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