(Wanna be like Nicki Minaj? It’s simple, there’s only one rule you have to follow.)
Nicki Minaj is cray cray y’all. Have you seen that girl’s wigs? Did you see that ice cream necklace at the VMAs? What about her hamburger dress she wore that one time at that thing? That girl must have the most insane life ever you guys, it must just be non-stop partying, alcohol, and sex. OMG I want to be just like her.
So what would it be like if you decided to Minaj your life for one day? Based on this song I made up only one rule for your Nicki day of Hedonism. Whenever someone asks you a question that can be answered in the affirmative, you have to instead say “starships wear meant to fly”. And then your day may go a little something like this:
3:23 P.M. – STARBUCKS
I can’t believe you woke up so late. That’s what you get for watching that Dr. Who marathon and solving equations all night. At 4 am and you finally decided to go to bed because the birds started to chirp outside of your studio apartment window in Koreatown. You stumble into the kitchen and see the piles of dirty dishes and try to look for your coffee mug. You give up and decided to saunter downstairs to Starbucks. Without the energy to change out of your Sponge Bob pajamas you just put on some sandals and your least smelly Hoodie. Of course it’s Wednesday so Natasha is the barista today. She’s been ignoring you for months though so who cares what you look like right now. You order a frappuccino cause you’ve been super good at the gym this week and you deserve it gosh darn it. Natasha throws you off when she asks, “do you want whip cream on that?”. You take a beat to reply then whisper across the counter, “starships were meant to fly”. She looks confused for a sec then giggles and bites her lower lip. When she calls out your name, you reach to grab your frapp but she doesn’t let it go. “I’m having a party at my apartment later you should come by”. She writes her number on your hand.
6:49 P.M. – FRED SEGAL
Well you can’t go to a party in your regular clothes can you? That Street Fighter 2 t-shirt has more holes in it than Dhalsim’s fighting style and your cargo shorts have more pockets than Guile. Fred Segal, I hear that’s where all the celebrities shop. You drive your 94 Honda Civic up to the valet on Melrose and he laughs as you take eight faded one dollars bills out of four different pockets. You don’t have enough, so you pay the rest in change. You walk in the store to the sound of mellow electro music and start wandering the aisles. You can’t even name most of these brands let alone pronounce them. Is this French or Italian? Fuck, you can’t even afford any of these V-necks. Then, a perfectly GQ dressed clerk named Joshua comes up to you and says “Is there anything I can help you with?”. You look up from a perfectly zen arrangement of braided belts, hand him your World Wildlife Federation Visa card and say, “starships were meant to fly”.
10:18 P.M. NATASHA’S APARTMENT
You strut in to Natasha’s apartment complex in your purple velvet suit and orange tie. Going with that theme you decide to buy some Funyuns and a yellow flower for her. The florist called it a daffodil. You called it eight dollars. You’re confused how someone on a Starbucks salary can afford a posh West Hollywood apartment such as this but it doesn’t matter. When she opens the door all logic goes out the window when you see her in that dress. Time stops. You’ve never seen her not in a hair net and apron and she smiles at you. She pokes fun at you because you look like a gay version of The Joker. She hands you a PBR and you go around the room making small talk with her friends. Because you’re nervous around all the new people, some time passes before you notice you’re several beers in and Natasha has linked her arm in to yours. Later, you guys chat with her roommate about rules for the impending zombie apocalypse. About an hour in to the party Natasha pulls your hand in to the kitchen and says, “I have the best idea, let’s do shots!”. This time you reply without hesitation, “starships were meant to fly”.
You lick the salt off her neck.
Shoot the tequila.
Then grab her and go in for the lime in her mouth.
But before you do, you turn to the camera and wink.
“You’re higher than a motherfucker.”
[Photo: A flea market in Le Marais district of Paris, France]