Sex. Sports. Sleep. Sandwich.

(An easy reference guide to how men process the world.)

You hear variations of it all the time from women, “men are so complicated”, “I just don’t understand him”, or “he’s so mysterious”.

The fact is we’re not. We’re just the opposite. Men are complete simpleton morons. The women that say these things are just over thinking it. For the most part we are driven by the four S’s: Sex Sleep Sports Sandwich.

Men are very basic creatures that don’t process the world in an intense depth like you do. While that simple processing does give us a certain strength when it comes to decision-making it can also be a weakness. Women take much more in to account when it comes to situations. Women factor in weather, color theory, the feelings of others, caloric consequences, body language, ambiance, interior decorating, etc. But above all you process things at an emotional level that most men aren’t capable of. A woman’s brain is like a funnel where you take in a huge amount of factors then filter it out into a single thought or decision. Men are more like “Grog hungry, grog want burger” or “Grog horny, grog want sex”. That’s why we can make a decision with a menu faster than a women. Our brain goes “hey look meat, I want”. Your brain goes “I’m pretty hungry but I’m not super hungry. I had a handful of chocolate almonds this afternoon so I should probably take it easy for dinner. Oh look carpaccio, when’s the last time I had carpaccio. This restaurant is known for it. Oh maybe I’ll just run another mile and pay for it tomorrow.”

It’s a fact that women use thousands of words per day more than a man does. Why? Women like to sort out their thoughts, feelings, and emotions by talking it out with another. When discussing all the factors that’s how you come to a decision. Men, that’s why your girlfriend talks so much. She is usually trying to sort out her thoughts and communication also functions to women as a way to build rapport . Men on the other hand generally process information silently much like a dog takes a bone back to his bed to gnaw on it. If a man needs to think about something or make a decision that goes beyond those base four instincts he will typically do it by himself in his own head. If you’ve ever read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus John Gray refers to this as a “cave”. A man must retreat to his “cave” to make a large decision. Ladies, that’s also why he doesn’t talk as much as you and probably isn’t that good of a listener.

So why the four S’s?

Sex – Men are animals and on a Darwinian level we instinctually want to put our seed in as many mates as possible to increase the chance of our DNA being continued in the species. As humans we have cognitive thought that prevents us from always doing that but the instincts are still there. Your instincts are the exact opposite. Men see beauty as a selectively favorable trait for child bearing much like you process height and confidence (provider) for someone being the competent father of your children.

Sports – Sports appeal to our basic levels of strength and competition. That’s why we play them and that’s why we watch them. They are also the some of the purest moments of emotion that some men will ever experience.

Sleep – If we are tired we want to sleep. That’s it. How else are we supposed to sex, sport, and sandwich unless we sleep.

Sandwich – Hunger and food is a basic primal need so it doesn’t need much explanation. And in case you were wondering we like our saber-tooth tiger medium rare.

This is who we are on a basic limbic system level. Men usually process things according to deeply ingrained instincts. We aren’t capable of, and don’t want to take in all the different factors that women do when making decisions. If it’s hot, we want to fuck it. If it’s sports, we want to watch it. If we’re tired, we want to sleep on it. If we’re hungry, we want to eat it. Rarely do we process anything on a deeper level than that. So men truly aren’t a mystery if you realize that most of our decisions are based on the four S’s. So stop asking us “what are you thinking” because it’s usually something pretty basic, boring, and probably obscene.

Sex. Sports. Sleep. Sandwich.

Now if only there were some way we could combine the four.

[Photo: The Highline Park in New York, NY]

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