(Love is a sham – as told by a stoned surfer.)
Dude, do you think cavemen fell in love?
Did like Grog pick wild flowers for Krag? Did Krag ever sit in the nude while Grog drew her on cave walls? Did Krag cook medium rare wooly mammoth on Friday nights by torchlight? It’s more likely that cavemen lived in a tribe with other cavewomen and they just ate and fucked in a big sweaty chaotic pile in between games of Sudoku right?
Dude, I read this theory that monogamy only developed once we started getting property. Property started totally distancing us from the “tribe” and we became more private people. Once we became more private then we started to break off in to couples because of this newfound priority of “ownership” and “belonging” man.
So then like language starts to develop and we need to make sense of this crazy world. We don’t know what the hell that big bright thing in the sky is, why it rains, or why we are even on this freakin planet. So we start making up things like Greek myths about Zeus, religion, and even the emotion of “love”. So let’s say some old fat Italian guy is like, “Hey have you tried that new prostitute Sally? She makes me feel totally great and really warm inside. What should we name this feeling, let’s call it ‘love’”. The word “love” then totally catches on because everyone recognizes and craves that gnarly feeling that they’ve had before with a select few. Suddenly Willy Shakespeare comes along and starts writing about this “love” because he could totally use a couple more shillings to pay for like cloaks and shit.
Back in the day man, cavemen realized that women got pregnant and had babies so it would make natural sense that women would take care of the babies. Men were naturally stronger and had better vision and some junk so then they would become the hunters and protectors so saber tooth tigers wouldn’t eat everybody. This biological trend continued through time and men became the providers. Centuries later these stellar men started to have cool things like Elizabethan mansions and rippin dinner parties. Then women were all like, “Aww man I totally want to go to a dinner party to eat pheasant and do that dance where we solemnly stand in a circle then rotate and clap.” So like women totally wanted this type of protection and security and they are the ones that started to promote monogamy and love. These stellar men like totally didn’t care about love though, cause they had access to all the wenches and vino they wanted you know? But then all the poor dudes, let’s face it they were probably writers, started to get on this “love” bandwagon because “how else am I gonna get a Betty to commit to me if I don’t have mansion dances.” So poor dudes were all like “as long as you love me we could be starving, we could be homeless, we could be broke, as long as you love me.”
Then countless books, paintings, songs, and poetry continued through time and the idea of “love” was passed down. Then come present day and we’re like, pumped full of shitty pop songs, vampire novels, and fucking Disney movies man. Disney movies are all about love man, and we totally thought that’s how the world was gonna be when we were grew up. Like, some tall dude with a deep voice is gonna slay a dragon and then some blonde chick swoons after she sings to talking chipmunks. And here we are today man, bands like Maroon 5 are singing about love because it’s profitable. Just like fucking Disney movies man, for the money.
We all want to believe in this grand emotion called “love” but does it truly exist? Are the stars in the sky really destiny or is that just shit hippies says so they can get to second base with cheerleaders? But we like, totally all crave that intense initial passion that comes with new partners so we want to believe in love. But when it goes away, then what man? Is there love or are there only bursts of passion and we were totally meant to be polygamous animals? The romantic in me would like to think love does exist but who knows man. Throughout history we’ve been wrong all the time, we used to think the Earth was flat and that John Travolta wasn’t gay. So does love really exist or is it just marketing?
Man I’m sorry, this is a heavy fucking topic when you’re this baked. Hey do you wanna go get some Taco Bell?
[Photo: An outdoor table in Cinque Terre, Italy.]