The Plight of the Nice Guy and the “Nice Guys of OK Cupid”

(Do nice guys really finish last? And why are they so angry?)LACMA4

Nice guys have taken a PR hit on the Internet lately.

With the viral popularity of the “Nice Guys of OK Cupid” tumblr and articles like the “13 Reasons Why Nice Guys Are The Worst” (which is actually pretty funny) nice guys are at their lowest popularity point ever. The “Nice Guys of OK Cupid” blog posts pictures of dopey looking guys and quotes from their profile where they typically say angry things about women all the while claiming to be “nice guys”. Now, there’s a good chance these guys are actually just assholes but saying they’re “nice guys” because they think it will get them laid. The problem is by publicizing this fringe group though it’s dragging the name of actual nice guys through the mud. Not that those guys on OK Cupid don’t deserve it, they truly are douche bags.

But then there’s another possibility of what these guys actually are.

When women are asked what they want in a man they usually say something to the effect of a “nice guy” because they are “tired of dating assholes”. That can’t be debated by either gender because it’s heard all the time. If a woman breaks up with a man they usually say it’s because “he was a total asshole”.  But what’s the more likely scenario? He was great in the beginning then he magically turned in to an asshole or is it that she is actually attracted to assholes but was blind to his personality until he broke up with her? Men don’t change that easily, the human brain is actually hard-wired to fight change because we like consistency. It’s not a surprise that women (mostly younger) are attracted to assholes because they appear to embody characteristics of alpha males. Women like masculine men much like men like feminine women. Assholes take what they want, say what they want, and do what they want. This is incredibly exciting for women as opposed to the dull and mundane consistency of a nice guy.

So if they really are “nice guys” then why are they so angry at the world? For the purposes of this article, let’s assume it’s a truth that women say they want a “nice guy” but secretly like men that are assholes. As this “nice guy” grows up and starts to observe and see how the world works he realizes that his entire life he has been lied to. Women (including his own mother) have been telling him that “girls like nice guys” but in actuality they don’t. The cheerleader always goes for the shortstop, the cute girl in math class always goes for the biker, and even the nerdy girls pine for the mongoloid football player. Once they realize they’ve been lied to, they’re going to go through a period of time where they’re incredibly pissed off. That’s why these so-called “nice guys” are so livid and have wrongly taken it out on the Internet. They feel like everyone has been lying to them the whole time and they finally see what actually works in the world. The quicker these boys get through that phase of anger then the quicker they will mature and become actual men.

The false logic for these truly “nice guys” is that they believe the nicer they are the more women will like them. Then when they fail, they falsely attribute it to the fact that they are “too nice” instead of the fact that they may just be pushovers, boring, ugly or whatever the case may be. The progression goes like this: Women say they want a nice guy, the nice guy tries to be nicer, they fail (because either she’s not attracted to him or she unknowingly like assholes), then these guys wrongly believe they failed because they’re “too nice”. They then get angry and take it out on the world.

So even though both women and men have played a part in the creation of these total monsters on the “Nice Guys of OK Cupid”, women are right to vilify and call bullshit on this section of men. And they’re totally justified in not wanting to date these guys. Truly nice guys don’t have to say they’re nice just like confident people don’t have to say, “I’m confident”. You can just tell by looking at them. But the silver lining for the real nice guys is when it comes to relationships, you’re not going to finish last. Women have to grow up and mature much like men do, so they have to go through that phase of dating the exciting asshole until they can appreciate you. Then your time will come. Just make sure that you being “too nice” isn’t the only reason you’re single and it’s not something else about you. Both women and men often make the mistake of asking “how do I get the opposite sex to like me” instead of asking, “how do I become the type of person that the opposite sex will like”. Put in the proper work and you’ll get whatever it is you seek.

[Photo: “The Outside Looking In”. A man at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art.] 

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3 responses to “The Plight of the Nice Guy and the “Nice Guys of OK Cupid”

  1. I’ve said this to several people in the past… OkCupid or online dating, even though the new way to meet people, is actually a bad idea. Take up a hobby and meet someone that way. Just some advice

  2. Great piece, Chris. I never went through the attracted-to-assholes phase, but I have come across a number of angry “nice guys”, from whom I ran as fast as I could. Which probably contributed to the problem. In any event, I wish “nice guys” were as self-aware as you seem to be.

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