(Is it your fault that your sex life is unsatisfying?)
Everyone thinks they’re great at sex just like they everyone thinks they’re a great driver.
Chances are you’re not a great driver, you’re just average. And being average is totally OK, just don’t be bad at it. At least with driving it’s something you openly practice every day. When you were a teenager you took classes on how to properly drive and got instruction from the supposed experts, but with sex it’s just the opposite. The problem is compounded because sex is such a taboo in America that no one openly talks about it in fear of being thought of as too racy or promiscuous.
But here’s the long hard truth about sex: It’s nothing like the movies and it’s especially nothing like porn. You already know that reality is nothing like you see in Hollywood, so why would you expect such raw passion and effortless ten-second orgasms like you see in the movies? Probably because we have nothing else to base sex on except the things we see in pop culture. They don’t teach us about sex in school (thanks religion) and our parents don’t teach us anything about it (thank god), so movies are all we have to learn from.
Between the genders, men are the ones most vocally slammed for being “horrible in bed”. This makes sense because men are the ones that are doing most of the pursuing, so women believe they are the prize and have the right to judge their suitors. But here’s the thing that most men know, women are just as bad as men at sex. Men just don’t complain about it as much and as soon as we’re having sex we already think of it as a win.
Bad sex is actually the fault of both genders. Really great sex is interactive between two people and requires a lot of communication. It takes two engaging people to have great sex. Some women think that letting a man have sex with her is the end of it, so she lifelessly lays there waiting for a man to give her an orgasm; then when he doesn’t make her toes curl, she thinks it’s his fault. Let’s take a step back and flip the script for a second, think about how many times you’ve actually made a man orgasm. By that I mean you were completely in control and he was in a passive sexual position. A lot less than you initially thought right? It’s more likely that he got himself off and you were just a small part of that. So why do you expect him to give you an orgasm every time you’re in a passive position? Great sex takes two people and a man can only do so much to please a woman if she isn’t mentally engaged with him and also in tune with her own body.
The fault of many men out there is the absence of foreplay. Men are wired to avoid foreplay and the perfunctory post-snuggle, but that’s not how women are made. Even though a man can be aroused by something as simple as a bra strap or a slight breeze coming in from the Pacific, it’s not the same for women. Women generally take a longer time to get going and need a little bit more foreplay in order to get aroused or even climax. And men need to remember to take their time — it’s not a race.
Rarely the first time you have sex with someone is it going to be all candles, moaning, and birds singing. Chances are it’s going to be awkward and uninspiring, but that’s because you haven’t learned each other’s bodies yet. So how are you supposed to become better at sex then? Practice. Now I’m not saying you should go out and whore yourself to everyone at the bars on the Sunset Strip, you can practice with just one person. But remember that 90% of sex is mental so you’re going to have to work on those mental aspects. The first thing you need to do is relax and stop trying to force passion. Then you need to forget your insecurities and be more confident. Lack of confidence isn’t sexy so if you have body issues, either get in shape or get over it. The most important thing you need to do is openly communicate and articulate what you want with your partner. Your boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t a mind reader so you’re going to have a talk about things before, after, or even during sex. You need to communicate.
So even though you may be able to get your current partner to orgasm every time, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be the same for your future partners. Everyone is built differently and everyone has a different level of sexual maturity. When two people know their own bodies, are open enough to communicate, and are psychologically sexually mature then that’s when you’re going have great sex. But unless you both make an effort to make this happen, then your sex is just going to be average — just like your driving.
[Photo: The rollercoaster on the Santa Monica Pier.]