(The companion article to “Nice Guys or Bad Boys: What Do Women Truly Want?“)
“All of my friends are hot.”
Women often say that, usually when they’re trying to secretly set you up with one of their girlfriends. As men, we’ve astutely learned that whenever a woman comments on the looks of her friends, you can safely subtract at least one aesthetic level, meaning: “hot” = pretty, “pretty” = cute, “cute” = not, “nice” = turn around and run. Why do women do that though? Do they truly believe they’re friends are that hot or are they lying to us? It’s the former; women truly believe that their friends are good-looking. Women are friends with women that they enjoy the company of and have things in common with, and they equate those feelings with how attractive their friends are. When it comes to looks and the opposite sex, women gather information like a funnel, and factor in several aspects of a man like build, style, gait, smell, social status, demeanor, income, personality, career, etc., and then come up with a conclusion of if she thinks he’s attractive. The problem comes in when women incorrectly assume this is also how men process women.
Men are a lot more brutal when it comes to determining attraction; it’s almost entirely physical. Men factor in physique (waist to hip ratio), facial structure, youth, breast size, hair length, and her overall appearance including grooming habits and sense of style; all of those aspects are instinctually and instantaneously processed by a man before a woman says a single word. Note that what isn’t listed is her level of education, how successful she is at her job, how nice of a person she is, how great she is at sports, how funny she is, or how much she works with charities and NPOs. While all of those things listed are great, if a man isn’t physically attracted to a women, then nothing else she does will make a difference. Men process women like a reverse funnel, if he doesn’t think she’s attractive, then no other information gets in the funnel. He’s going to first process if he’s physically attracted to her, and if he is, then he’ll factor in everything else about her. If he’s not, nothing else matters.
When men talk to other men about women, the first thing they ask is, “is she cute,” not “is she smart.” The standard female defense for this realization typically uses words like “chauvinist,” “superficial,” or “patriarchal,” because this truth is often seen as offensive. From the point of view of men though, we’ve come to accept at a very young age that this is who we are. We’re wise enough to keep quiet about our instincts, so we’ve learned to just nod our head when the clichéd “beauty is on the inside” and “why can’t a man just love me for who I am” are cried out. The brutal truth is, that a man is always going to fall for a women because she’s hot, before he will fall for a woman because she’s intelligent. A woman is judged on her beauty more than she’s judged on her achievements. While this fact may make women angry, that doesn’t mean it’s not true. And make no mistake, men are judged unfairly also, but in very different ways; men just don’t complain about their plight, and men don’t shame women in the same way that women attempt to shame men for their instincts.
The truth is a man is going to be attracted to a woman more because she goes to the gym, then because she went to college. While they’re both equally hard, and ideally a woman will focus on both, he’s going to always value the first over the second. When it comes to men and the women they want to date, cute will always be chosen over smart.