Nice Guys or Bad Boys: What Do Women Truly Want?

(The compainion article to Cute or Smart: What Do Men Truly Want?)

Women Wants

One of the basic advances that PUAs (pick up artists) have tapped in to is how to attract women. Most women that have read the heavily discussed and now outdated book The Game, are familiar with standard tactics such as “negging” and always respond the same way, “that’s disgusting and that would never work on me or any of my friends.” But these PUAs out there continue to have nothing but success when it comes to meeting women. So what’s more likely, that these guys are out there dating a great number of women except these women and their friends, or that women have no idea what they want. Here’s a conversation that I’ve had several times:

ME: Women like bad boys.
HER: No we don’t!
ME: Who has hit on more women, me or you?
HER: …well you of course, but I’m not like that.

Women love to believe that they’re the exception and that the rules don’t apply to them. The reason that women don’t think that they’re attracted to bad boys is because when you list something with a negative connotation like “bad boy,” you’re speaking to the logical side of their brain. But PUAs are smart enough to know that women don’t base their opinions of men on logic, they base it on emotion, and there are basic scripts that they run to make women feel positive emotions.

The whining cry of inexperienced young men is that “nice guys finish last.” Most men consider themselves “nice guys,” so when a woman doesn’t reciprocate feelings, they falsely attribute this to their personality opposite called “the bad boy.” Here’s what both genders fail to realize, it’s not specifically that women like “bad boys,” it’s that women like how bad boys make them feel – that’s the distinction. When you ask a woman what she wants in a mate, she’ll go down a checklist that sounds appealing on paper like “nice, funny, honest…” because those things are acceptable in society. This is the preset cultural answer because “it depends on how he makes me feel” is a nebulous response to both genders, and humans have a deep desire to make sense of the world. This is confusing to younger men though, because they take women at their word and then believe, the nicer I am, the more women I will attract. This isn’t the case and often makes a man predicatable or a pushover, which can lead to him becoming bitter and frustrated. The good news for “nice guys,” is that you don’t have to compromise that part of your personality to get women to like you, it’s about how you make women feel overall. The typical attributes bad boy’s have is that they’re confident, adventurous, and have an assertive take-what-you-want attitude. The typical attributes that nice guys share are shy, mundane, and passive. That’s boring and it doesn’t appeal to anyone, especially women. You can be nice, but in addition to that you can also be confident, adventurous, and assertive — those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

It’s been said that, “saying you’re a nice guy is like a restaurant whose only selling point is that the food won’t make you vomit.” If you’re trying to sell yourself on the competitive market of dating, your leading quality shouldn’t be that you’re a “nice guy,” because everyone’s a nice guy, you have to offer something in addition to that. You have to be nice and a whole slew of other things like confident, creative, successful, adventurous, funny, athletic, passionate, caring etc. Now you can sit there in your mom’s basement and say you have all those qualities, but it doesn’t matter what you say, it only matters what you do. It’s one thing to say you’re athletic, it’s another thing to be a shortstop for a baseball team. It’s one thing to say you’re caring, it’s another thing to volunteer to read to blind children. Saying you have a quality without a real world representation for it, is like an ugly girl trying to convince you that she’s hot. You’re going to have to put some effort in to yourself (which by the way is exactly what PUAs have done), if you want to attract women.

So the answer to the question “do women like good guys or bad boys,” is that it’s both and neither, it’s what a man makes a woman feel like emotionally. I know that as men we’re always looking for a cut and dry logical answer to problems, but with women, as we’ve all come to realize, they’re just not that simple. Once you’ve shown commitment and put enough effort to be the type of man that women want to be around, then you’ll naturally start to create those positive emotions that you want women to feel for you.

[PHOTO: Street art in Downtown Los Angeles — For 99¢ you can instantly get my guide “How Much Does Love Cost: 33 Essays on Modern Dating for iPad or Kindle.]

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4 responses to “Nice Guys or Bad Boys: What Do Women Truly Want?

  1. Pingback: Cute or Smart: What Do Men Truly Want From Women? | Chris Backley·

  2. Pingback: The Story of a Broken Arm, The State of Connecticut, and How I Learned to Approach Women – Johnny Moxie·

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